Chapter 18: The Wife's Anger - Overcoming Impatience

Psalm 103:8 The LORD [is] merciful and gracious, Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.

If you have been spending some time reading and rereading the various chapters of this book and applying the biblical principles in your daily life, you may have noticed that you struggle more "in doing the right thing" in some areas than others. If that is the case, (it was for me) then the next few chapters are for you. In these Martha Peace discusses some special concerns (or sins) that a wife may have. The wife's anger is the first concern addressed.

The bible talks about two kinds of anger righteous and unrighteous. Rarely are we righteously anger. If we are, we are not sinning, are completely controlled by the Spirit of God and are not thinking of ourselves. So an angry person reacts selfishly and is not Spirit controlled but rather self controlled in order to achieve his own end. People express their anger in a number of different ways...Some of them are obvious: yelling, throwing things around, telling someone off, cursing, abusive speech, and hitting. Some are quieter and may be harder to notice but sinful nevertheless: silent treatment, glare, meditating on wrong thoughts, eye rolling, snorting, frustration, and irritation.

Outlined below are some reasons not to respond in anger...

Anger destroys trust and is forbidden by Scripture. (Matt 5:22) It is a destroyer of relationships and is a betrayal to those you love whom God has placed in your care. If you succumb to outbursts of wrath, however infrequently, you are undermining your relationship with your family. Your children need to feel safe with you. They need to know and believe that you will act with their best interests at heart. Safe enough to come to you when they have done wrong and want to talk about it, safe enough to trust you with their feelings, safe enough with you to know that you are their soft place to fall and most of all safe enough with you to relax and be themselves around you. It is the same for your husband. The heart of your husband should safely trust you.

Anger is a grievous sin. Like any sin anger begins in the heart. Our heart is sometimes referred to as the seat of our will. Our thoughts, motives and intentions reside there. Because anger begins here...it is a deliberate willful action. Although, your sudden outbursts of wrath may not seem to involve any conscious decision on your part...they always do. If this is the case, it will take some time of diligently putting it off to change the pattern.

Matt 15:19 says this: For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.

Anger is not productive The Bible says in James that the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. It doesn't work...in fact it makes you go backward in your relationships. Okay...so sometimes it does work for the moment to get people moving and doing what you want them to do, but at what cost?

Anger gets stronger with use and feeds our flesh. Contrary to popular belief it is not a good idea to express or vent anger. Anger is a deed of the flesh and as such gets stronger with expression. Instead starve it...make it weaker. Living according to the flesh sets our minds on the things of the flesh (Romans 8:5) but focusing on the Spirit sets our minds on the things above....what is important to God.

Anger is productive in bearing the wrong kind of fruit. You will also notice that in addition to anger getting stronger as it is vented it also causes you to sin in other ways.

Colossians 3:8 says: But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth.

Think of all those things you say in anger that you regret...the tone of voice you use that is less than respectful...the language. Anger compounds your sin and defiles those around you.

Being more specific anger is connected to pride...
Proverb 21:24 A proud [and] haughty [man]--"Scoffer" [is] his name; He acts with arrogant pride.

To Cruelty...Genesis 49:7 Cursed [be] their anger, for [it is] fierce; And their wrath, for it is cruel! I will divide them in Jacob And scatter them in Israel.
Proverbs 27:4 Wrath [is] cruel and anger a torrent, But who [is] able to stand before jealousy?

To Clamour and evil-speaking: Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.

To Malice and blasphemy: Col 3:8 But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth.

To Strife and contention: Proverbs 21:19 Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman.
Proverbs 29:22 An angry man stirs up strife, And a furious man abounds in transgression.
Proverbs 30:33 For [as] the churning of milk produces butter, And wringing the nose produces blood, So the forcing of wrath produces strife.

Anger brings its own punishment.

Job 5:2 For wrath kills a foolish man, And envy slays a simple one.
Proverbs 19:19 [A man of] great wrath will suffer punishment; For if you rescue [him], you will have to do it again.
Proverbs 25:28 Whoever [has] no rule over his own spirit [Is like] a city broken down, without walls.
Psalm 37:8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret--[it] only [causes] harm.

Anger stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
Galatians 5:15 But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another!

Anger is a characteristic of fools. This one works best for me because I am prideful and abhor thinking myself a fool. :D Any port in a storm though...

Proverbs 12:16 A fool's wrath is known at once, But a prudent [man] covers shame.
Proverbs 14:29 [He who is] slow to wrath has great understanding, But [he who is] impulsive exalts folly.
Proverbs 27:3A stone [is] heavy and sand [is] weighty, But a fool's wrath [is] heavier than both of them.
Eccl 7:9 Do not hasten in your spirit to be angry, For anger rests in the bosom of fools.

How can anger be averted or changed to gentleness?
I LOVED Martha Peace's scriptural method for changing problem character issues...a.k.a...sin. :D

All Scripture [is] given by inspiration of God, and [is] profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 2nd Timothy 3:16

Memorize and use it for any character trait...It is God's recipe for character training. Teach it to your kids...

First is doctrine or teaching...find out what God says about anger or any other sin struggle in your life. Memorize and meditate on those scriptures of particular relevance to you. Spend some time here...Really find out what the bible says about a certain topic. It helps also to look at the opposite character trait. For example, the opposites of anger are meekness, humility and patience. Studying what the bible has to say about these will help you put off your anger and put on the right biblical virtues. (I have found that the Thompson Chain reference is great for this kind of study as well as the Blue Letter Bible available on the net.) Let the water of the word flow over you and teach you and thereby convict you. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2

Second is reproof...A reproof is simply having someone tell you (or you tell yourself) what you are doing wrong according to Scripture) Be accountable to someone if you can who is available to point out the problem when it is evident. If not be on your guard, yourself. It should be a very matter of fact process...here is what you or (I) did...here is what the bible says. It really does help to write down what you were thinking right away when you get angry. It will help you see where your thinking was not biblical and more readily see the appropriate correction.

Next is correction....replace the wrong words or actions with the right ones. Confess each angry incident to God. Keep humbling yourself before Him and asking for His grace and mercy. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16

Use your word studies and verse memorization from the teaching step to help you here in finding the right traits to put on. Martha Peace gives us some good examples of wrong thoughts vs right thoughts on page 213 and 214.

The last step is training in righteousness. This is the hardest. This is the one that takes discipline..you are the one who needs to be consistently ruthless with your sin and diligently apply yourself to the study of the word of God. This is where the next verse in 2nd Timothy comes into play. That the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work. 2 Timothy 3:17 Our goal is to be more and more like our Lord Jesus Christ...we are to be holy as He is holy. Gal 6:9 tells us...And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

An earlier verse in 2nd Timothy calls for continuing in these things..But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned [them], 2nd Timothy 3:14.

Remember why we are here on this earth...to glorify our Father in Heaven...To somehow, through His grace, reflect a little bit of His light to those God has placed in our lives. So...

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

AND

Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, Philippians 2:14-15

Chapter 17 Conflict: Quietness of the Wife's Spirit

Proverbs 17:14 The beginning of strife [is like] releasing water; Therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts.

Prov 20:3 [It is] honorable for a man to stop striving, Since any fool can start a quarrel.

Read a few more to get warmed to the subject. :D

Proverbs 21:9 Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Proverb 21:19 Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman.

Proverbs 27:15 A continual dripping on a very rainy day And a contentious woman are alike;

Prov 13:10 By pride comes nothing but strife, But with the well-advised [is] wisdom.

Are we getting the message? The Lord repeats this theme in a multiple of ways over and over again in His word. (Kinda like we do with our kids, sometimes) He must really want us to hear it.

If only we could remember just at the beginning of a conflict what an impact we have on our families by the way we respond. Many of us respond to our husbands in ways we wouldn't even consider responding to a friend or someone outside our home. It is not a question of knowing how to respond...I think most of us know how to respond. Sometimes, however, with those closest to us we get lazy. We forget God's purpose for us. We were created to be helpmates for our husbands and the caretaker of the home and children. Responding with anything other than a humble and gentle spirit then is rebellion against God's perfect will for us.

Hear this next part...it is important. What you communicate to your children through your relationship with your husband will stay with them for the rest of their lives. That should be a sobering thought. Children will learn all the fundamental lessons of love, forgiveness, joy, humility, compassion, patience, self-sacrifice, virtue, sin...I could go on...from observing their parents interact. What YOU teach them right or wrong will be rooted deep in their hearts. If you are patient, your children will be patient. If you are loving and compassionate, your children will display these qualities. If you turn to Jesus for help, so will they.

As wives do what you can to send the right messages to your kids. Don't say...but my husband...change your behavior...NOW. Don't look back...press on for the prize of the upward calling of God in Christ Jesus. Answer your husband with grace and humility. Let your gentleness, as the bible says in Philippians, be known. Are you known as a gentle woman in your household? I am not, but oh, how I long to be.

Don't look at what the cost of behaving this way will be to your pride. Yeah, it will be humiliating ... focus on the results. What will be the outcome or fruit of your changed reactions. Sometimes we can get so embroiled in conflict that we can no longer see the big picture. The next time a conflict starts try to step back and view it as a play in which you want the godly outcome. Put aside your own offense and make the sacrifice of righteousness. Again do not concern yourself with how others in your household react....YOU respond rightly...You be the first to change...and see what the Lord will do with your obedience and faithfulness.

NOTE: I wrote the above on my palm in my car while waiting for one of my daughter's classes to finish. I was tested as soon as I arrived home on this. I failed miserably. It is clear to me that this is an area that Satan does not want us to persevere and will do what he can to condemn and thwart our efforts. Look up! Press on! Make a practice of having a gentle and quiet spirit. Most of all remember that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Be convicted but not condemned.

In Chapter 16 we discussed how our wrong words are generated from our wrong thoughts. Martha Peace gives us some self-justifying thoughts that hinder our ability to solve conflicts. As Christians we are called to endure. In order to do this we need to renew our mind with Scripture. Some excellent examples of this strategy are given on pages 196-198. Review them and ask yourself if you are guilty of any of these.

Chapter 17 also discusses three kinds of conflict that occur in marriage. I am going to concentrate on the one that is most common and affects me and therefore those around me on a daily basis. My own selfishness.

Marital conflict was set in motion back in Genesis Chapter 3. Genesis 3:16 says this: To the woman He said: "I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire [shall be] for your husband, And he shall rule over you."

John MacArthur makes this statement about Your desire...he shall rule. "Just as the woman and her seed will engage in a war with the serpent. i.e. Satan and his seed(vs 15), because of sin and the curse, the man and the woman will face struggles in their own relationship. Sin has turned the harmonious system of God-ordained roles into distasteful struggles of self-will. Lifelong companions, husbands and wives, will need God's help in getting along as a result. The woman's desire will be to lord it over her husband, but the husband will rule by divine design. (Eph. 5:22-25). This interpretation of the curse is based upon the identical Hebrew words and grammar being used in Genesis 4:7 to show the conflict man will have with sin as it seeks to rule him. Genesis 4:7 reads this way: "If you do well, will you (Cain) not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire [is] for you, but you should rule over it."

We need God's help here ladies...it is a battle from the beginnings of time. Eve wanted what she wanted and took it. Our own selfishness gets in the way of the relationship we want to have with our husbands. Look to His word for help. It is not about what your husband said or did...it is about glorifying our Father in heaven in our words and deeds. Worship Him through your right words and deeds. Teach your children how to respond biblically. Pouting, manipulation, outburst of wrath, selfishness and nagging are all learned sinful behaviors. Change them using Scripture to show you the more excellent way.

Lastly, Ms Peace gives us some character qualities that are necessary to solve conflict. They are humility, gentleness, patience and forbearance. Let's look at each one and discover what they might mean to us in the middle of a conflict.

Humility: I used the Blue letter bible and found these meanings:

1) having a humble opinion of one's self

2) a deep sense of one's (moral) littleness

3) modesty, humility, lowliness of mind

Well, okay...I guess I see how humility would help. :D More from the Blue Letter Bible (BLB) "because it is only the humble heart which is also meek; and which, as such, does not fight against God, and more or less struggle and contend with Him." So when we contend with our husbands we are contending with God. I accidentally typed "so when we are content with our husbands....Hmmm, that has an application also. We can be content because all we have comes from God and He always has our best interests at heart. Here is my favorite though: John Mac
Arthur says that humility is the perfect antidote to the self-love that poisons human relationships.

Here are some verses for meditation...

Phil 2:3 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.

1 Peter 5:5 Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to [your] elders. Yes, all of [you] be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble."

Prov 15:33 The fear of the LORD [is] the instruction of wisdom, And before honor [is] humility.

Col 3:12 Therefore, as [the] elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering;

Meekness: In most cases meekness is always translated as gentleness. It is the willingness to suffer injury or insult rather than inflict such hurts. It is what Jesus was at the cross. He had the ability to retaliate but instead He allowed Himself to be led as a lamb to slaughter. Meekness is the opposite of being out of control as we might think. John MacArthur says that meekness is not weakness, but rather supreme self-control empowered by the Spirit. Think then of meekness as power under control. Meekness makes a decision to put the other first. This type of attitude heals and edifies. Next time you are beginning to get embroiled in a conflict with your husband, look fully into the faces and eyes of your children. Really see the damage and the hurt you are causing. Turn from your sin and put on meekness. Here are some verses to renew your mind.

Gal 5:23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law
.
Eph.4:2 with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love,

Col 3:12 Therefore, as [the] elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering;

2nd Cor 10:1 Now I, Paul, myself am pleading with you by the meekness and gentleness of Christ--who in presence am lowly among you, but being absent am bold toward you.

Matt 11:29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Patience: Here is an outline of biblical uses for the word patience from the BLB.

1) to be of a long spirit, not to lose heart

a) to persevere patiently and bravely in enduring misfortunes and troubles

b) to be patient in bearing the offenses and injuries of others

1) to be mild and slow in avenging

2) to be longsuffering, slow to anger, slow to punish

I think we all can see how this quality would help in conflict resolution. How far I fall short!

Some verses for meditation:

Heb 6:15 And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise.

James 5:7 Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See [how] the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain.

James 5:8 You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.

1 Cor 13:4 Love suffers long [and] is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

Longsuffering: be patient, to have patience, to suffer long, to patiently endure. So if you think you have BEEN patient it is time to start meditating on suffering long. Let's look at the Old Testament here for verses...Patience and longsuffering are virtues that the Lord uses to describe Himself.

Exodus 34:6 And the LORD passed before him and proclaimed, "The LORD, the LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth,

Nehemiah 9:17 They refused to obey, And they were not mindful of Your wonders That You did among them. But they hardened their necks, And in their rebellion* They appointed a leader To return to their bondage. But You [are] God, Ready to pardon, Gracious and merciful, Slow to anger, Abundant in kindness, And did not forsake them.

Psalm 145:8 The LORD [is] gracious and full of compassion, Slow to anger and great in mercy.

Prov 14:29 [He who is] slow to wrath has great understanding, But [he who is] impulsive* exalts folly.

Prov 15:18 A wrathful man stirs up strife, But [he who is] slow to anger allays contention.

Prov 16:32 [He who is] slow to anger [is] better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

In closing, you have one time around with your family to do it right. If you are behaving selfishly and causing conflict or increasing the conflict with your bad reactions in your home, repent. Diligently apply these qualities in your day to day marital relationship with your husband. You will be amazed at how your obedience will not only be a blessing to those around you, but to you as well as your family follows your lead and begins to respond with these attitudes also.

Chapter 16: Communication - Control of the Wife's Tongue

James 3:6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature and it is set on fire by hell.

So much of the bad feelings and problems in a marriage could be eliminated if even just one partner...that would be us, the wives... practiced sweetness of speech.

Matthew 12:34c says "for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." James tells us that if anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body. Who knows what wonderful things the Lord could do in our lives if we became spiritually mature in this area and had control over our tongues! How Christ could be glorified!

Let's spend some time looking at Matthew 12:34c. This is the verse I find most helpful in the area of speaking sweetly and communicating biblically. "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." It reminds me that my wrong words (my impatient words, my angry words, my judgemental words, my careless words, my loveless words, my rash and/or foolish words, and finally my thoughtless words) come from my wrong thoughts.

James 1:14-15 says, But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 15 Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. He tells us here that sin is not a spontaneous act but the result of a process. We are drawn away (lured) by our own desires. When wrong words are spoken, it is crucial to stop and ask yourself why you reacted or spoke in such a way. What were you meditating on? What did you want that you were not getting? What did you think you deserved? It is not just good enough here to change how you sound on the outside...Jesus cares about your heart. Search your heart because the bible says that out of it springs the issues of life. It also says that our hearts are desperately wicked, who can know them? Allow the Word of God to do a work from the inside out. Confess your sin, put it off, renew your mind with the truth and put on love. How do we do this?

For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.

Once we see these wrong thought patterns we can begin to chip away at them by taking each one captive unto the obedience of Christ.

Some of us might even be in bondage to wrong thinking. We might have a stronghold or fortress where we retreat when we are hurt and angry. If you are enslaved by some wrong thinking, your response when cornered or under pressure will not be godly. God is our strong tower. We are to run to Him. The bible tells us to use the sword of the spirit to pull down these strongholds. We are to assault error with the truth of God's Word. Human wisdom, ingenuity, or self-help books are powerless against the lies that corrupt our thinking and our reactions. It is a spiritual battle we are in...the truth will set us free and enable us to react rightly to our husband and to others.

As we become diligent about examining what we are meditating on and taking our thoughts captive, we will be making a practice of sweet speech. The word discipline in the New Testament comes from the word gymnazo which means to exercise or to train. In other words to do it over and over again until you get it right. The pursuit of godliness takes perseverance.

There are many verses that help us in the area of sweet speech. Here are a few of my favorites...but do your own study. Meditate on them and hide them in your heart.

The bible tells us in Ephesians chapter 4 to speak the truth in love. In the same chapter it says this: Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. I like to remember this as "NEGG". Speak only what is necessary, edifying, good and gives grace.

On the subject of judging motives 1st Samuel 1:3 says this: Talk no more so very proudly; Let no arrogance come from your mouth, For the LORD is the God of knowledge; And by Him actions are weighed. Below are more in no particular order:

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 17:27 He who has knowledge spares his words, And a man of understanding is of a calm spirit.
Mt 5:37 But let your yes be yes and your no, no. For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.
Col 4:6 Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.
Tit 2:8 Sound speech that cannot be condemned, that one who is an opponent may be ashamed, having nothing evil to say of you.
Psalm 19:14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord.
Proverbs 15:23 A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, And a word spoken in due season, how good it is!
Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.
Proverbs 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.
Ec 10:12 The words of a wise man's mouth are gracious, but the lips of a fool shall swallow him up;
Isaiah 50:4 The Lord God has given Me the tongue of the learned, That I should know how to speak a word in season to him who is weary.
Psalm 141:3 Set a guard O Lord over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips.
Deut 6:7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.
Col 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.
Proverbs 31:26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Chapter 15: Honoring Christ Key to the Wife's Motivation

Having the right heart attitude is paramount in implementing biblical submission into your life. Ask yourself what truly is your heart attitude when it comes to submitting to your husband. Are your motives based on your feelings at the moment? Are they selfish? In order to make a practice of biblically submitting to our husbands it helps if our motivation is greater than our own selfish desires...our motivation should be to glorify the Lord Jesus Christ. As stated in an earlier post it is crucial to decide ahead of time to honor God, to do the right thing, with the right motive. Give your feelings to God and obey Him. As you make a practice of this in your relationship with your husband you will begin to reap the rich temporal and eternal rewards of being in the center of God's will. Put off getting what you want at the moment and see what God will do in your life when you trust Him daily by placing yourself in His care.

In Chapter 15 Martha Peace lists 20 motivational principles for submission along with a scripture to reinforce the point.

I have added additional scriptures for most principles to encourage you on your way...

1. Being grateful...remember what God has done and how much we have been forgiven. I am reminded here of the parable of the wicked servant whose master forgave him much and he did not go and do likewise. We need to always remember the mercy we have been shown and do likewise. Be grateful for the forgiveness you have received by honoring and obeying God.

2. Look to Christ for your example. Do a study on His submission to the Father. He never said or did anything outside of the Father's will. In fact Jesus said in John 14 that if you had seen him you had seen the Father also. Philippians 2:5-17 says it best:

Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, 7 but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. 9 Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, 11 and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. 12 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.
14 Do all things without complaining and disputing, 15 that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16 holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain.
17 Yes, and if I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. 18 For the same reason you also be glad and rejoice with me.

3. Renew your mind with Scripture: Be aware of the thoughts and intents of your heart and be ruthless with the ones that are not God honoring...constantly renewing your mind with Scripture and what is right. The thought and intent of my heart usually tends toward being offended because I think I am getting less than I THINK I deserve. Or worse when I am noting how much I am doing and how little others in the household are doing. You know...when everyone else is sitting down and you are doing all those things that make for the smooth running of the household. The verse that helps me here is from Luke Chapter 17 verse 10: So likewise you, when you have done all those things which you are commanded, say, ‘We are unprofitable servants. We have done what was our duty to do.’”

4. True beauty and adornment comes from trusting God. Have you ever really looked at some women who supposedly have it all according to the world? I mean really looked at their faces...Their beauty is marred by their driven countenance. I have seen some Christian women have this look also...Isaiah 26:3 says that God will keep you in perfect peace when your mind is set on Him. Look up...relax...

5. Biblical submission shows love to God. Martha Peace has a great one here. John 14:15 - If you love Me, you will keep my commandments. The fruit of our salvation is obedience to the Father. Ephes 2:8-10 - For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

6. Biblical submission is a way to show love to your husband. The famous 1 Cor 13:-4-8 is the winner here. Love fulfills the law. Romans 13:8-10 says this: 8 Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. 9 For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not bear false witness,” “You shall not covet,” and if there is any other commandment, are all summed up in this saying, namely, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 10 Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

7. View biblical submission through God's sovereignty and goodness. The Lord does all things well...He is in control. He has a purpose in every circumstance. Don't argue with your maker...obey...See what the Lord will do! Romans 8:28 is a good one here: And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

8. God uses others to put pressure on a wife to be submissive. Be teachable...maybe someone does know more than you. Proverbs are filled with admonitions to listen and get wisdom. Here are a few: Prov 1:5 A wise man will hear and increase learning, And a man of understanding will attain wise counsel...Prov 9: 6-9 Forsake foolishness and live, And go in the way of understanding. “ He who corrects a scoffer gets shame for himself, And he who rebukes a wicked man only harms himself. 8 Do not correct a scoffer, lest he hate you; Rebuke a wise man, and he will love you. 9 Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; Teach a just man, and he will increase in learning. It is also helpful to remember that proverbs also tells us that "any fool can start a quarrel."

9. A wife should train herself to be biblically submissive. Again, practice makes perfect. This one takes ALOT of practice, prayer and the power of God.

10. Learn the biblical dynamics of authority and rebellion...Holding God's word as the standard by which you live your life is vital here. Rebellion is shaking your fist at God. You are telling Him that you know best. This is a serious sin. I have Isaiah 45:9 written out on the very first page of my bible. It says Woe unto him who argues with his Maker. Figures of the potter and the clay and of parent and child show how absurd it is to contend with God over His plans for the future. When you strive with your husband's decisions, you are striving with the Lord!

11. Seek biblical counsel from someone who will exhort and admonish you to be submissive. Find someone who holds the Word of God very high. Someone who is going to exhort you to do right. Someone who knows the Scripture and walks the walk.

12. Humbly receive your husband's correction and reproof. This goes back to being wise and listening to rebukes. Do not make it hard for your husband to rule over you. Even if the rebuke is in your opinion said in an unkind or thoughtless manner, find what is true in it, repent and mature spiritually.

13. Study the character of God. This is a great idea. To begin go back to pages 10-12 and study what wives need to know about God. Here is how the Lord describes Himself in Exodus 34:6-7 -Do a study on the key words in these verses. 6 And the LORD passed before him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth, 7 keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and the children’s children to the third and the fourth generation.” Jesus also said that if you have seen Him, you had seen the Father also.

14. A wife will honor God's word by being submissive to her husband. Again, honor the word of God. Hold it in high esteem. Don't be a hearer of the Word only...be a doer.

15. Be faithful in the little things. Martha Peace speaks so truly here. Rebellion no matter how small it may seem to you is rebellion which is sin. If you don't think so...your conscience will become harder and harder...you will become less and less faithful to do the right thing and submit. Why because you are eroding God's authority in your mind. You are doing what is right in your own eyes. The "little foxes" will spoil the vine. Be faithful to obey your husband even in the smallest matters. Don't let your guard down here and justify your sinful rebellion.

16. Be a living sacrifice for the Lord Jesus. Romans 12:1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. Use this one when you really don't feel like submitting...it will increase your motivation.

17. Being submissive is a fruit of your salvation. Pray for the desire and longing to please God and obey Him by submitting graciously and lovingly to your husband.

18. A wife may be motivated by personal testimonies of women who are already submission to their husbands. I like to use the bible for examples here. Abigail comes to mind...

19. You may sometimes suffer for righteousness sake. Most of the time this is not why I suffer. When you do it is helpful to remember what it says in Hebrews 12:3 For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. 4 You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin.

20. Remind yourself of the potential grievous consequences of not being submissive. It says in Proverbs that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Hebrews 12:28 says this: 28 Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear. 29 For our God is a consuming fire. Sin has consequences. Psalm 119:75-76 says this: 75 I know, O LORD, that Your judgments are right,And that in faithfulness You have afflicted me.76 Let, I pray, Your merciful kindness be for my comfort, according to Your word to Your servant.

Scripture renews your mind. Read these verses over when you need the encouragement. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to be reading your bible. Studying it daily. Meditating on it and memorizing it. Think of all the things you put in your mind. Purpose in your heart to put God's word there. The Word of God is described in Ephesians 6 as the sword of the Spirit. It also tells us to gird our waist with truth. Saturate yourself with the Word.

I will end with Ephesians 6:10-19 10:

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,^[c] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; 18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints— 1

Chapter 14: God's Provision Resources for the Wife's Protection

This chapter discusses eight ways that God protects the submissive wife. Martha Peace lists them in the order that they should be implemented. If learned, and put into consistent practice your husband and children will rise up and call you blessed.

Here are the eight:

1. Learn to communicate biblically
2. Learn to overcome evil with good.
3. Learn to make a biblical appeal.
4. Learn to give a biblical reproof.
5. Learn to biblically respond to foolish demands.
6. Learn to seek godly counsel.
7. Learn to biblically follow the steps of church discipline.
8. Learn to biblically involve the governing authorities.

I will touch on each briefly. Learning to communicate biblically is, in my view, the most important skill any wife and/or mother can learn. It can be used to teach your children to respond rightly by modeling it for them. It can also be used to overcome evil with good, to make a biblical appeal, and to respond to foolish demands.The verses that helps me here aside from the ones in James about controlling the tongue is from Proverbs 31:26: She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. If the law of kindness is always on your tongue, your house will be a peaceful place indeed. Using Ephesians 4:29 as a guide speak only what is necessary, what is edifying, what is good and what gives grace to the hearer. Sigh! I have a long way to go here. We forget in the midst of the battle how important it is to model this behavior consistently for our children. It is a constant dying to self and living for Christ's glory. Most of us spend most of the day in either an annoyed or offended mode. This needs to be put off and Christ put on. We need to remember to let our gentleness be made known to all men. Again that word gentleness is rich with meaning: Here once again is John MacArthur's list:

Let your contentment, forbearing spirit, sweet reasonableness, bigheartedness, good will...bending beyond what is expected to grant them good, magnanimity, charity toward the faults of others, mercy toward failures of others, not being personally offended by the faults of others..be known to all men. It is the kind of gentleness that can submit to injustice, disgrace, mistreatment, without hatred, without malice, without retaliation, without vengeance.

The best way to look at it...it is the graciousness of humility which basically says you may have mistreated me, you may have misjudged me, you may have misrepresented me, you may have not given me what I deserve or given me what I don’t deserve, you may have ruined my reputation with some, acted in hostility towards me, I may be the recipient of your inequity, injustice, and mistreatment but I humbly, graciously accept it...Christ still reaches out in love...

Responding and communicating scripturally takes a desire to please God. It takes a purposing in your heart like Daniel and David. Purpose, prayer, power of God's Spirit, and practice! If you do nothing else from this study in regards to your household, but put responding and communicating according to God's Word into practice...you have accomplished much.

Overcoming evil with good is the second resource for the wife's protection. Martha Peace provides an excellent list for us on page 158 but I sometimes find that holding my peace and letting the Lord fight for me is on occasion a way of overcoming evil with good...in another words keeping silent or not responding in kind. Often keeping silent is all that I can manage. Again it is about enduring through, holding our tongues, responding with kindness and remembering that we have a huge affect on the heart and tone of our home. The way we treat our husbands will have a direct affect on how our children see him and respect his authority. As you begin to look and examine your reactions to those around you, don't lose heart and don't feel condemned. Repent as many times as it takes and pray, thanking God for showing you your sin and giving you the opportunity to glorify Him.

The third resource for the wife's protection is learning to make a biblical appeal. Martha Peace has done an excellent job here. I will not belabor. For me most important thing to remember before making a biblical appeal is my job is to do what my husband says unless he asks me to sin. Unfortunately, my instant response most of the time when my husband gives me a direct order is to argue. Biblical appeals don't even cross my mind. My pride gets in the way of any possibility of rational thought. Making an appeal would require that I actually thought instead of reacted. This is our goal...thinking before we speak. :D If I do think before I speak and reach the scriptural appeal stage I should ask myself what my possible motives are for making the appeal. I need to be sure it is not manipulative, not for personal gain, or not to make things easier on myself. If I am truly Spirit led here I rarely make the appeal. My motives for making it are usually wrong. Once the appeal is made, however, I should be ready to accept my husband's answer as the will of God for me--and submit graciously.

The fourth resource is giving a biblical reproof...It is important to point out that a biblical reproof is given in response to identifying a sinful pattern of behavior on the part of your husband. If done according to the Word and with godly motives it is intended to edify your husband and restore him into a right relationship with His Lord. Again, examine your motives. Are they to restore and not expose? Are you specking and planking? Are you doing it for personal motives or a personal reward? Biblical reproofs are a command. They should only be done, however, after much prayer and careful thought.

The fifth resource is learning how to respond biblically to foolish demands. For the most part we can return to resource #1 learning how to communicate scripturally. It also helps to remember the proverb that says "Any fool can start a quarrel." That certainly puts it into perspective for me and helps me hold my tongue and respond with the "wisdom of scripture"by pondering how to answer. (this is hard to do in the middle of an argument...)Do a study on anger/strife/fool in Proverbs and memorize a few to hide in your heart. If your motive is to honor God He will bring them to mind when you need them.

The last three resources for the wife's protection involve seeking godly counsel, church discipline and involving the governing authorities. Again, Ms Peace's explanations are clear and biblical.

In summary, taking full advantage of all the measures that God has provided for us in His Word is the spiritually stable course. It avoids the self-seeking wisdom of the world that only leads to chaos, contention and confusion in a household. I have copied a portion of James Chapter 3 and 4 here: Let's heed his advice and his warnings:

James 3:8-18

8 But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. 10 Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? 12 Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh.

13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. 15 This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. 16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. 17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. 18 Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

James Chapter 4:1-10

Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? 2 You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. 4 Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously”?
6 But He gives more grace. Therefore He says:

“ God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble.”

7 Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.

Chapter 13: Biblical Submission Basis of the Wife's Protection

Martha Peace iterates 5 biblical principles concerning submission. They are as follows:

1. Submissive to her husband in all things unless he asks her to sin.
2. A submissive wife is not afraid to do the right thing.
3. She is to be submissive even if her husband is a non-believer.
4. A submissive wife does not dishonor the Word of God.
5. She will seek counsel and training from a godly older woman.

From here Ms. Peace gives various examples of each principle. I would like to focus my comments here on principle #2 and principle #4.

Using 1 Peter 3:6 as a basis, Martha Peace shows that one of the keys to overcoming fear is love. There are some wives who have much to fear. Fortunately the only thing I have to fear is not getting my own way.

Principle #2 A submissive wife is not afraid to do the "right thing"

Micah 6: 8 it says: He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?

Christ wants the same thing from us today...not outward religiosity but an inward spiritual commitment of the heart from which right behavior will be the fruit. This inward commitment will be reflected in our outward behavior...like Sarah we will do what is right without being frightened by any fear. Or as it says in 1 Peter 3:4 that our adornment would be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of the Lord. I am not sure what is meant by precious here but I am going to go with rare and very valuable.

As I do this study I am consistently confronted with my own selfishness. (The opposite of love) I dislike not having my own way or what I want. I willfully forget that I am suppose to be that living sacrifice in Romans 12:1. (I keep jumping off the altar) Some of my lack of obedience and "not doing the right thing" does stem from fear. We as human beings do not take well to surrender and loss of control. We like to be autonomous. We like to think we are in control. It is an illusion. Fortunately if we belong to the Lord He will consistently pull the rug out from under us to show us where our trust is being misplaced. He is a jealous God. He wants our whole heart. For me lately it has been my focus on what I thought I had put behind me....a desire for appreciation, a desire to be treated special, a desire for something back. I HATE that they have returned and am praying that I can be ruthless with them. Admittedly, the past few days have been better for the "other side." SIGH! But thanks be to God, that His word tells me that His grace is sufficient for me and that when I am weak, He is strong. I am thankful that I can go boldly to the throne of grace to find help in the "nick of time." I can by the power of the Spirit put on love for those around me...putting off my desires and my agenda. When we are afraid of loss of control and our desires are for ourselves it wreaks havoc in our families day to day lives. (See James 1:13) They can't see Christ..you are in the way. Making His desires your desires will bring peace to your life. Psalm 37: 4-6 says it best:

3 Trust in the LORD, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
4 Delight yourself also in the LORD,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
6 He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.

As you trust the Lord, do good (without fear) and delight in Him...His desires will become your desires. You will want only his glory reflected in your life. Christ revealed to others through your words and actions. Whoo Hoo.

Principle #4: A Submissive Wife does not Dishonor the Word of God

Titus 2:3-5 says the following: 3 the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things— 4 that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.

We bring shame to the Word of God and become a reproach to Christ when we dishonor His Word. Does your outward confession of faith reflect your inward heart attitude to submit to the authority of your husband? Nancy Missler once said truth is where word and deed match. Do your word and deed match?

Is obeying God more important than having your own way? (Romans 12:2) Do we have an appropriate reverential awe of the Lord? A friend of mine used to have a paper mural hanging at the bottom of her stairway that said "for our God is a consuming fire." Her children (and she has many) saw it everyday as they came down the steps in the morning...what a great reminder. God is holy..He cannot abide sin. Matthew 10:28 says to fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.

Does the Word of God dwell in you richly? Do your children see you study the word daily and once again does your outward profession reflect your inward heart. Are God's desires really your desires? Are you only submissive when it is convenient and easy or do you do it whether you feel like it or not? Do you outwardly do the right thing but inwardly struggle with bitterness? Confess it to the Lord and take every thought captive unto Him. Remind yourself of what the Scripture says. Again my favorite one that never fails is 1 Cor 13: 4-8. I have never had to recite past "Love suffers long and is kind," to be convicted. Remember Christ endured the cross, despising the shame.

Spend some time on pages 151, 152 and 153. Ask the Lord to convict you of the ways in which you are not submissive to your husband. The past two chapters have been especially challenging for me. Conviction at my lack of true submission to my husband came on every page. Hebrews 4:12 says this: 12 For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. As an encouragement look at the list of OT heroes and heroines that are in the Saints Hall of Fame in Hebrews 11. These were all imperfect people like you and me. Yet their names are written here as a testimony to their faith evidenced by their obedience to God. As you submit to your own husband from your heart, you are evidencing your faith and obtaining a good testimony.

Chapter 12: Submission The Wife's Joy

Hmmmm....Submission and joy in the same title. I had to really ponder that one. I rarely view it like that except when I am doing studies like this one. How does that work? You mean I am not getting what I want (you know...my way) and yet I am joyful..I mean really joyful deep down?? How is that possible? Despite my circumstances?? This is one of those biblical paradox things. Similar to what it says in James about counting it all joy when you encounter various trials or in Matthew where it says he who loses his life will gain it. It is about walking by faith and not by sight. Like so many things in the bible it really is the polar opposite to what is the norm in the world. It is marriage God's way. If only we could always look beyond what we are not getting to what we are doing when we submit to our husbands gracefully...we are glorifying our Lord.

So many times I fall far short of this vision. Recently a friend invited my family to the pool for the afternoon. We picked up some pizza on the way to their house. I also picked up a can of diet soda knowing my husband does not allow me to drink it. I thought it would be easier than stopping at Wawa on the way to the pool to get my caffeine fix. He asked me what I was planning to do with the soda and I told him I was planning to drink it. He said no. I argued quietly with him listing all the reasons he was wrong to refuse me. (drinking soda with regular sugar makes me ill, etc) We got to our friend's house with my husband still adamantly refusing to acquiesce to my demand. I could think of nothing but what I was not getting. I continued to berate and plead with my husband for my right to drink the soda. (in my charming and disarming way...but all knew I was not quite happy) My husband even asked me jokingly if I was going to relate this incident in one of my posts...I am sure he was pretty far out on that proverbial rooftop.

On our way to the pool I was still grieving thinking how much more enjoyable the outing would be if I was feeling awake enough to enjoy it. I (can you imagine) was thinking of how utterly selfish and stubborn my husband was being...what was the big deal...one lousy can of diet soda. It is my only vice..blah, blah, blah. All I do for him...How dare he try to tell me what I can and can't drink. (The bible says he can..sigh) I was really making it a grief for my husband to rule over me. Our friend, who was leading the way to the pool, pulled into Wawa. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I was to her at that moment. I went over to the car and kissed her...I had finally got what I wanted but at what price. I was a reproach to Christ. When her kids see a Wawa now guess who they think of? Not quite the impression I wanted to leave with them.... My God was my belly. Not a proud moment for me.

The Bible tells us wives to submit to our own husbands, as to the Lord. Uh oh...as to who?? The Lord. By submitting to your husband's authority you are submitting to God's authority. Not submitting is rebellion (sin) plain and simple. Submission does not in any way imply inferiority nor does it say anything about the man's personal worthiness or even his spiritual condition. We submit to our husbands as a loving act of obedience to our God. This is His will for us. Submission to your husband is God's desire for you. It is his best. It is for your protection. It is His commandment. He wants it to be your joy. Hebrews 12:2 says we are to look unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith who endured and persevered so that He might receive the joy of accomplishment of the Father's will and exaltation. The author of Hebrews goes on in chapter 12 verse 3 to ask us to consider Jesus and the hostility he endured from sinners. He is our supreme example. Our sufferings are as nothing compared to Christ's. (I certainly wasn't suffering to bloodshed striving against sin in the car that day about my caffeine need) Submit and let your joy be in the accomplishment of your Father's will for you.

Martha Peace goes through four basic principles about joy. They are worth reviewing.

1. Joy results from trusting God and obeying His word. For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome. (1 John 5:3)

2. Joy can result from knowing that God is working to accomplish His purpose even in difficult circumstances. My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,(James 1:2;) And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28); I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18)

3. Joy comes from following the example of Jesus especially in difficult times. Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Heb12:2); For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, (2Cor 4:17); bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1Cor 13:7)

4. Joy results from a "Spirit-Filled" life. A spirit filled life is one controlled by the Spirit of God...God is at the center of your life. And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, (Ephes 5:19); Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1st Thes 5:16-18)

As you learn to know God and trust Him through spending time in His word, you will gradually experience increased joy in your life. You know that whatever situation you may be facing He has a purpose for it and it is for your good. Your desire will be to obey Him.

Again this is a day by day process of purposing in your heart to draw near to Him. Saturate yourself with Him and His Word. As you become immersed in the water of His word, you will become like a tree planted by the rivers of water; your life will be Spirit controlled. Here is what John MacArthur says about being filled with the Spirit. (Ephes 5:18) "Being filled with the Spirit is living in the conscious presence of the Lord Jesus Christ, letting His mind, through the Word, dominate everything that is thought and done. Being filled with the Spirit is the same as walking in the Spirit. Christ exemplified this way of life." Follow His lead. Obey as He obeyed. We can know that the momentary affliction we have here is producing an eternal weight of glory. We really CAN trust Him.

When you are in the midst of the battle it helps to remember that the battle is not yours. Your job is to obey, (just as Christ's was) the results are up to God. As you begin to surrender thoughts, feelings, diet soda, coffee, agenda (in other words your very life) to God and allow His Word to dominate your thoughts and actions, you will find yourself less and less embroiled in a conflict of wills. It will be hard but you will have joy knowing that you are obeying the Lord Jesus Christ and glorifying Him.

So...Purpose in your heart each and every morning to submit to your husband as to the Lord. Decide ahead of the opportunity to respond rightly. When you are tested, you have already decided that you are going the way of obedience. The way that wholly pleases your God. (Deciding to submit ahead of time really does help! The hard decision has already been made.)

We are entering the last part of the book. The first section of this last part deals entirely with submission in one way, shape or form. There does, however, seem to be one general theme that runs throughout the book. Esteeming the other as more important than one's self. Which brings to mind love. You know the love that suffers long, that is kind, the love that does not envy, that does not parade itself and is not puffed up. It is the love that does not behave rudely and here is the love I have the most trouble with: The one that DOES NOT SEEK ITS OWN. It is also the love that is not provoked and thinks no evil. The love that does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth. The love that bears all things, believes all things hopes all things and endures all things...even an afternoon without caffeine graciously. It is the love that never fails. It is the love of God poured out in our hearts by the power of the Holy Spirit. Truly all of God's commands for each of us can be summed up in loving God and loving others. The JOY acronym: Jesus - Others - You.

Chapter 11: Intimacy The Wife's Response

Nothing to add...feel free to comment.

Chapter 10 Respect The Wife's Reverence

I think that there are very few marriages out there...yes, even Christian ones that don't bleed over this one...not the battle for truth, justice, and the American way...but the battle of control and dominance over one another.

I am going to try and catch your attention right away with this one...because this one aspect of marriage, respect, is very important to get right....ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE RAISING CHILDREN. All of us have this drive to control. You might think it is okay because you think you are using it for the greater good in your household. For example, (and this is my example from my life) let's say you don't want the children watching tv...your husband likes to relax and unwind in front of the tv at night. Your children want to be where he is. You try to keep them out of the room by distracting them, but you have been with them all day and want to unwind a bit also. Night after night you watch your children soaking up all that ungodly stuff...exactly the opposite of what you are trying to do with them during the day. He is undoing it...how dare he! Night after night there is contention in your house...even if you don't say a word the kids feel it. You think that you will change your husband by pushing harder. This is an illusion, ladies...it will never happen. (See 1 Peter 3:4, James 1:20 and Romans 12:18.) The atmosphere in your home will become caustic. It will eat away at your children's souls. They will become rebellious and bitter. This is much much worse than the effects of watching too much tv in the evenings. Put your problems in perspective. No home is perfect. Put your hobby horses aside and allow your husband to live in a home without your continual dripping. You might be saying now...whoa, slow down...that is a little harsh. It might be, but I can speak like this because this is my example...this is the exhortation I gave myself and it was a great lesson learned. My husband did not respond to my contrariness..he did, however, respond to me after I went to the Lord, confessed my sin and asked Him to change my heart attitude of contention and disrespect. My children were much more affected by the discord between my husband and I than anything inappropriate they might have seen on tv. Watch your children's eyes and body language when you contend with your husband. It speaks volumes. There is no greater gift you can give them aside from Jesus Christ than a peaceful home. Even if it means that they might grow up with some not so great habits...maybe a little lazy and lacking a little in the self control area. So what! They will have grown up in a home where they were emotionally secure, valued and loved and where the Christian life was not just given lip service but lived. Of course, there is always room for a biblical reproof...but I think most of us have no problem in this area. (I can always see the speck in someone else's eye)

When you disrespect your husband you are tearing down your house. You are rejecting the ultimate authority in your home. You are, therefore, eroding the very concept of authority in your children's minds. You are training them in REBELLION!

No Greater Joy Volume Three says it best: If you resist this exhortation and continue to contend with your husband you will "die with the satisfaction that it was your husband that destroyed your family---you stood on your principles."

Now with all that said...

Respecting your husband is not something that he needs to earn...biblical respect for your husband is commanded by God. It is something that you choose to show him regardless of circumstances and in spite of your feelings. You do it in obedience to the one who died for you.

I loved the list on page 109: Here it is in case you missed it. "Let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband--that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him, and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly. Do we even give our God that much deference and reverence. I don't know about you but I fall far short of this!

Just getting the basics right on this one is hard ...not even considering what your inner heart attitude might be...a roll of an eye...or perhaps a slight change in your countenance...a less than sincere tone...an indirect question to which there is no really right response...a small change in your priorities....thinking more highly of yourself than you ought...all these indicate a less than respectful attitude on your part toward your husband. Check out the self-assessment on page 115. I found it to be quite an eye opener. Read the list to your husband and ask him how he would rate you. Then spend some time really listening to yourself as you respond and interact with your husband. Put yourself in his shoes...do you feel honored, deferred to, respected? I think respect like love is something that we need to put on.

Two verses really help me in this: Ephesians 4:1-3 "I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Lowliness, gentleness, longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, keeping the unity of Spirit in the bond of peace all go along way toward respecting your husband. The word worthy in this verse has the idea of living to match one's position in Christ. Paul exhorts us to be everything the Lord wants and enables us to be. The other verse is in 1st Corinthians 13:5 "Love does not behave rudely." This one is so basic but goes so far in endearing us to our husbands.

Getting this one right takes a lot of self-awareness, diligence and hard work. Genesis 3:16 makes it that way: It says ..."Your desire shall be for your husband. And he shall rule over you."It is God's desire and command for you to respect your husband ..it is His best for you and for your family.

Chapter 9 : Love The Wife's Choice

Chapter 9 of The Excellent Wife is, in my opinion, the key chapter of the book. I expected to write volumes. Instead I find myself starting over again and again...what is it I really want to say? I feel completely and utterly inadequate to the task. I am sure this is a good thing. So instead of going through the chapter and perhaps selecting key points to highlight I will do something a bit different. I will exhort you to make the choice to purpose in your heart to practice love in your house.

The following verse in Romans has been my key verse or dare I say mantra for the last 8 years or so.

8 Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. 9 For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not bear false witness,”“You shall not covet,” and if there is any other commandment, are all summed up in this saying, namely, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 10 Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

This verse and others like it have changed my relationship with those dear to me. Without love I am truly a sounding brass or a clanging symbol in my house that all shudder to have around. The more I make love a practice, I realize that love really is the bond of perfection. It is the one thing we can do to fulfill the law completely. Also, the more I attempt to make a practice of love, the more I realize how very very much my love falls short of the love that God wants us to have for each other. I feel overwhelmed and condemned like Paul in Romans 7 and rejoice that there is no condemnation for me in Christ.

I don't know about you but recalling all the things the Bible tells me I should and shouldn't do sometimes gets laborious. It is comforting that the only thing I really have to remember is love.

I have also memorized 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8. In putting on love toward others I have never had to recite further than love suffers long and is kind to be convicted. I say it silently to myself many times a day to renew my mind and get my thought processes traveling in the right direction again. There are many many other verses that can do this ....Get out your concordance or your Thompson Chain reference and write them all down...carry them with you...read them when your will falters.

It would be great if love were our natural response toward others. Unfortunately, it is not. In fact, we don't even often have loving feelings toward those around us. Most of the time our thoughts are on how they can love us. Since their thoughts are probably on themselves also, we are at an impasse. Biblical love, however, is a command. Our response, therefore, is a matter of obedience.

You can read chapter 9, read my entry and choose not to purpose in your heart to practice love at your house. Choosing that road will keep your pride intact but will draw you further away from God's ideal or best for your marriage. It will also not bring you nigh unto the Lord. It is a choice that will be filled with your own way and getting what you want, but its end will not be what God wanted and as such will not be God glorifying.

As Paul says the way of love is the excellent way. Making the choice to love will bring humility which will not only draw you close to your Lord but also to your husband. It will be a choice that will have an eternal effect on all you meet. A choice that will make you shine as a light in this dark world. A choice that will always put you in God's perfect will. Choose today to be that wife that speaks gently to those around her with the law of kindness on her tongue. Who even when sorely tried, makes that second mile investment...not so much for the person who she does the act for but for herself...to break the hold that selfishness, pride and bitterness has on her. Make no mistake...a second mile investment is a step of faith. Most of the time they will go totally against what the world might tell you to do and definitely opposite to what your own feelings are telling you to do. Fight pride!!! Do them anyway and be a blessing and be blessed!

If you are anything like me, you make excuses as to why you couldn't respond to someone in love..but remember the Bible says that God's grace is sufficient for you ...you are without excuse. Bitterness, selfishness and pride are sin, as is making excuses for them. So here is a previous entry to help you with this:

Through offenses I have learned more about God’s love.The answer to them: Here it is in a nutshell: LOVE. The bible says that love is the greatest commandment, it is the debt that is always owed (Romans 13), that it suffers long and is kind....that it never fails.(Cor 13) I interpret the never fails part like this. Responding in love always has an effect. It always bears fruit. You CANNOT go wrong by responding in love. Another verse that helps keep me from getting offended is in Philippians. In 4:5 it says to let your gentleness be made known to all men. That word gentleness is filled with meaning in the Greek. I got this list from John Macarthur and it helped me through many an offense...

Gentleness: This means learning to accept less than you might think you are due...this is a tough one for me...Let your gentleness ....we can replace this word with the following: Get ready for a long list... I needed one so that there were no loopholes. Let your contentment, forbearing spirit, sweet reasonableness, bigheartedness, good will...bending beyond what is expected to grant them good, magnanimity, charity toward the faults of others, mercy toward failures of others, not being personally offended by the faults of others..be known to all men. It is the kind of gentleness that can submit to injustice, disgrace, mistreatment, without hatred, without malice, without retaliation, without vengeance.

The best way to look at it...it is the graciousness of humility which basically says you may have mistreated me, you may have misjudged me, you may have misrepresented me, you may have not given me what I deserve or given me what I don’t deserve, you may have ruined my reputation with some, acted in hostility towards me, I may be the recipient of your inequity, injustice, and mistreatment but I humbly, graciously accept it...Christ still reaches out in love...

Wow...we really are without excuse. But the blessings and joy you receive by responding biblically to offenses in your life will be far reaching. Specifics will follow in later chapters, but responding to others in love is the foundation...remembers love is the debt that we always owe and that it fulfills the law.


In closing, 1st Peter 1:22 says this: "Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart." John MacArthur tells us that this is the love of choice, the kind of love that can respond to a command. The word fervently means to be stretched to the breaking point...like a rubber band. I don't know about you but I know I always fall short of this one. Our souls have been purified. We do have the capacity to love like this. Let's exhibit it by meeting others, especially our husbands, at the point of their need.

Praying that we would have fervent love for one another...
In Him
Jean

Chapter 8: Home The Wife's Domain

Martha Peace begins this section with this statement on page 71. "A godly wife is organized and works hard to operate her home with the least possible chaos. She also creates an optimistic, joyful atmosphere for her family." The home is your domain. Do you make it a place where your family can relax, let their guard down and escape from the trials and temptations of the world. Do they want to come home and be around you. Do you give them a soft place to fall? Is your delight in the Lord obvious to them. These are all good questions. Take some time with the Lord and answer them...it will change the atmosphere in your home.

Keeping a home where disorganization and chaos is at a minimum is IN THIS WORLD...most of the time a thankless job. It is the countless, boring, and repetitive tasks that we do day in and day out that are NEVER noticed until we slip up that keep a home running smoothly. If we are doing this for some kind of earthly reward or some kind of recognition from our families we will most likely wind up very bitter women. If however, our goal is to please the Lord and love our families than the result will be something completely different and it will be reflected in not only our demeanor but our families as well. To do this it helps me to remember why I am here and who I am serving. Sometimes I need to do this several times a day. Bitterness creeps in slowly... we need to be aware of it and be ruthless with it. If allowed to get a foothold it will destroy us, our Christian witness and our family. Sometimes I view my husband and my children as interruptions to my day...forgetting they are my reason for being here. I whine and complain about the work and the repetitive tasks that are never done and never appreciated. Hopefully somewhere in the middle of that tirade I will remember them...put myself in their place...how it must feel to be them and to be listening to me. Like the Bob Dylan song says: "I wish for just one time you could stand inside my shoes, then you'd know what a drag it is to see you. Hopefully at that point I would remember that the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Or that a gentle and quiet spirit is very precious to the Lord...maybe I would recall 1Corinthians 13:4-8 and repent and put on some love for my family. This will happen more often than not if you are drawing near to the Lord each and every day and looking to Him to be your help and your wisdom. It will not if he is not first in your life....Yes it can be painful to draw near to God and see ourselves with all our dents, bruises and scrapes. Guess what...our family already knows they are there. We are only deceiving ourselves when we refuse to draw near and repent. Pride keeps us from getting right with God at times and being who we need to be for our families. Humility trumps!

Martha Peace has many exhortations on page 78: "Don't brood and fret and exaggerate problems in your mind. (psalm 37 is a good one to read about fretting) When there is a problem, be realistic. Face reality, but be righteously optimistic. For example, "This is hard, but God will give me the grace to get through it." Or another, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and love your family almost as much. Be patient and kind and do not be selfish. (an aside on selfishness...if you are selfish...those around you will follow your lead and it will be war day in and day out at your house) Do not demand your rights (remember you have none anyway) and the others around you will eventually follow your example. Another statement by Martha Peace which really gives me a picture of a peaceful home is this: "A wife who has a gentle and meek spirit from the Lord provides a calming, soothing, and reassuring atmosphere in her home. She trusts God deeply and does not panic at difficult circumstances. She has a calming effect on the family, not the effect of alarming and upsetting them. It is reassuring to be around her. What a blessing for your family to have a wife or a mom that is calming, soothing and reassuring to be around. She is like Jesus!

Chapter 7: Christ the Wife's Heart

We've reached Part II: A Wife's Responsiblity...Uh oh.

Chapter seven I think is aptly named...Christ the Wife's Heart. The heart is the seat of our will and our emotions. As such it becomes a battleground where a spiritual war is waged. It is definitely where my battle is waged. Yesterday a friend sent us a preview for a new Christian movie called Fireproof. It is about a couple that is on the brink of divorce and the husband, a firefighter, is challenged by his believing Dad to rescue his wife's broken heart. The husband in the movie accepts Christ and subsequently does the right thing. My flesh which was perfectly content before watching the preview immediately looked at my own husband..the wonderful husband that God has given me... with a spirit of discontentedness. Movie is good...my thoughts and reaction to it...not so good. I needed to take that thought train captive and derail the pattern before it could take hold.

Has Christ completely captured your heart? Are you ruthless with anyone, anything or any desire that attempts to gain influence or worse yet control your heart? Is your heart Christ controlled or over run with the influences of the world and day to day living? Having read this book through many times I have noticed that the themes are intertwined and repetitive and have come to see this as a good thing. Scripture is also repetitive. We as humans maybe need to hear things more than once so they can reach our heart. I exhort you now to examine your own heart and ask Christ to show you where your desires and His desires are not in alignment.

What is your heart set on? Is it so set on a certain thing that you are willing to sin to get it? Are you willing to tear down your house for it, disrespect your husband, or make your children listen to you rant and rave. Remember circumstances don't cause us to sin...our idolatrous hearts that meditate on wrong things do! Set your mind on the things above. Ask yourself that (what is your heart set on) in the middle of an argument with your husband. Ask yourself that when there is strife with your children. Ask yourself that when you feel discontented with your lot in life or feel that you have been slighted in some way. Ask yourself that when you are not getting what you want. (I wish I had done this last night when I attempted to bring something back to an unnamed store in accordance with their return policy...although I outwardly remained calm, I inwardly seethed...my desire was thwarted and I got angry!) Having done this repent of any wrong desires and ask God to give you the right desires (see pages 65-69) and by faith make the decision to move in the direction where Christ is leading you. Do it whether you feel like it or not, asking and counting on Him to align your will with His. Little by little you will see the fruit.

This process is the key to the whole Christian life. It is a moment by moment dying to self and living for Christ. Putting off the old man and putting on the new. Remember you are part of God's plan. You have works that He has prepared beforehand that you should walk in them. You can't fulfill his perfect plan for you unless you are living for Him and dying to your wants and desires. As a believer God promises to work all things together for you for good, but imagine what he can do with a Christian wife who is fully submitted to Him and His desires. Imitate Christ who fully submitted Himself to His Father making our redemption possible. Put all your energies and efforts into living for Christ not just outside your home where people can see you but more importantly live for Christ inside your home.

Write out the Right Desire list on page 69 and place it where you will see it every day. Do the same with the list of ways to set your mind on things above on page 70. Make a practice of them.

There is one thing I would like to add to number 6 on page 70. Earlier I asked if you were ruthless with those things that might attempt to gain influence over your heart. This can be subtle. Be aware of what you are reading, watching, listening or even who you may be keeping company with that may influence your heart in the wrong way. When your heart is under any other influence but Christ you and your family will suffer and Christ will not be glorified.

Do this and watch the Lord work and your life become like the tree that is planted by rivers of water in Psalm 1.